I had gone through life loving others the best that circumstances would allow, always wanting to be loved and accepted by others, yet having no love for myself. My worst nightmare was being subjected to the criticism of others. I mean, it would cut deep into my soul and leave a wound that was so hurtful and would last for a long time. It didn’t take much criticism to make me start believing that I was no good, and that I wouldn’t amount to much in life. I guess my self-esteem was destroyed even from childhood. The worst thing was that I knew I was a loving soul, always forgiving of others. I just couldn’t hold a grudge and found it very hard to hate anyone other than myself.
I was born a loving soul, and easy prey for the unloving. I didn’t understand this force inside me, this life, it was like I was just a passenger and love had the reigns. To disobey would mean hurt, and to obey usually ended up with hurt also.
I grew up to be quite intelligent and could put my hand to anything. I was mostly self-taught and had the skills to become quite wealthy, but I wasn’t materialistic and had no desire for material possessions. I was just a pleaser for others, and my own pleasure came from seeing others happy. Of course it was just to be loved and accepted, that’s what really mattered to me.
So there came a point where I began to question myself and my life. They say you shouldn’t do this because pride and ego affect judgement, but I was determined to look at myself and my life with complete honesty, whatever the result turned out to be. If I was bad then so be it. If I was a loser so be it. Whatever the truth I would face it.
So there I was a confused spiritual wreck, a failure in the material world, uncertain of anything, not knowing why I was here or what life was all about. Was love a defect in me, one that had ruined my life and caused me so much suffering? Was I wrong all along? Am I really a worthless person leading a worthless life? Was I a fool for love?
I was ready to accept the truth, and be unloved. I was ready to know my real self. I was ready to be alone. It was either that or live a lie, which I could not accept.
Love had been the driving force in my life and so it was this that I had to question first, so here is what went through my mind back then.
Is love a biological effect, I mean is there a love gene?
If my love was due to a love gene then it would take away my choice, I mean, I wouldn’t be able to choose to be unloving, and yet there were times when I clearly chose to be unloving. Doing good or evil has always been a choice that we all have, and have used. It is obvious that love is a choice and not something that is inherited from parents. If we could blame all of our actions on genes it would mean that nothing we do is our fault. We could blame our parents for everything we did wrong. So then I had to consider whether love was due to conditioning.
Q2: Is love an effect of conditioning?
If it were, then why can a child with very loving parents turn out to be unloving? Or indeed why can a child who has been physically or mentally abused, turn out to be loving? If our nature was due to conditioning then we have to consider the fact that loving souls have to endure far more suffering than unloving souls, in fact they are subjected to what should logically make them hateful, selfish and cruel, but they aren’t, at least I wasn’t. I rejected conditioning, but why? I believe it was for two reasons. I was empathic and I knew the difference between right and wrong, i.e. good and evil. So next I had to consider empathy.
Q3: What is empathy? Do we need it?
Empathy is the ability to sense the feelings, thoughts and emotions of other sentient life forms.
Souls that come into the world as loving souls are that way because they have a natural empathic ability. They care about other people’s feelings because they are sensitive to them. Souls that are not born this way have to learn to become empathic, for them it is a choice, and so until they reach a certain level of sensitivity, they are able to completely reject the feelings, thoughts and emotions of other sentient life forms.
Souls that are born empathic have already past the
point of no return to an un-empathic state.
Souls that are un-empathic have far more choice open to them, and they suffer far less than those who are empathic. This gives them a great advantage in the world, but there are also great disadvantages.
Without empathy it is not possible to feel the love of others, it is not possible to feel their hate. It is not possible to share any of the life experiences of another sentient being, and it is not possible to feel any guilt for one’s actions. The only way that such souls can be hurt is through their pride or ego, or loss of their personal possessions. An un-empathic soul cannot distinguish between good and evil, i.e. right and wrong, and that is why they blame it on their genes and deny the existence of anything spiritual. This leads to another question.
Q4: What is good and evil? What is right and wrong?
An un-empathic soul would reason that what is good is only what is pleasurable and beneficial to their own life, and what is evil is that which is hurtful and not beneficial to their own life.
An un-empathic soul would reason that might is right, and weakness is wrong. Such souls are natural predators, and natural born killers.
An empathic soul would reason that what is good, is good for every sentient life form, and what is evil is harmful to every sentient life form.
An empathic soul would reason that it is right to do unto others what they would have others do unto them, and what is wrong is doing unto others what they would not like others doing to them.
Empathic souls cannot hurt others without hurting themselves.
Imagine a world where everyone was un-empathic, caring only for their own life. There would be no rules, and all things would be permissible.
Now imagine a world full of empathic souls, a world where every one cared for all sentient life forms.
Without empathy there can be no love, without love there can be no forgiveness, without forgiveness there is only contempt , hate and revenge.
There are those who say that there is no good or evil. These things are said only by those who cannot tell the difference, or by those who are trying to justify their unrighteous acts, or by those afraid to even acknowledge the existence of evil, in case they should look and see the suffering of other, and in turn feel that suffering. Those who say to others; ‘do not have anything to do with anything that is negative’, say these things because they are weak. Turning a blind eye to evil does nothing but empower it. To look away is like turning the light off so that evil can continue in the darkness; it is like giving evil permission to continue.
We either sacrifice ourselves on the cross of love together, or we die as we lived, alone. This leads to another question.
Q5: Is there life after death and what if there isn’t?
To be 100% sure you would have to experience the death of your physical body or enlightenment, and it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else claims, because you would still have no personal proof. So there were some things that I had to consider.
If there was life after death then that would be proof that I am not my physical body and it would also mean that I am immortal, and I am in this world for a purpose, one that I can’t be sure about, and one that I have not yet completed. Never the less, the adventure would continue.
If there wasn’t life after death and it was an end to awareness, then that would be ok with me, but what about the life I’ve experienced, I mean endured? Was all that suffering for nothing and meaningless? Well I looked back over my life journey at all the good things that I had done, and how I had suffered and made sacrifices for others. Then I thought about the pleasure I had gotten from doing these things, so it wasn’t for nothing. They were memories that would give me pleasure until the moment I left this world, and I knew that I could die with a clear conscience, knowing that I did the best I could, given the circumstances. I knew it was right to be loving, and I didn’t need to believe that I was immortal to be so.
So I considered both options i.e. life after death, and no life after death, and my preference was for no life after death. I mean, the prospect of going through another life journey struggle just seemed too much. So this led me to another question.
Q6: Had I lived my life my way, was I my own master?
The answer was no. There were too many times that too many people had control of my life, causing me to do things that I didn’t want to do, and causing me to not do what I wanted to do. People used to say that I was easily influenced, but that was due to my lack of self-worth, and desperation to be loved and accepted. Even so I take full responsibility for my errors; they were ultimately my choices. I used to be incredibly shy and non-confrontational. If I had been a dog I would have been the lowest in the pack. So I looked at these things and decided that I was going to take full control of my life and live it my way. I would be true to my nature, after all this was my life and no-one else’s.
When you are the lowest in the pack, you only have
- Accept your position.
- Fight your way to the top.
- Leave the pack.
We are all going to experience the death of our physical bodies that was always inevitable, and so all that really mattered was how I was going to live the rest of my life.
I chose love, and I dedicated the rest of my life to it completely. I would live and if necessary would suffer and die for what I believed in, because to live any other way would be living a lie and a denial of my true nature. I didn’t need to believe in a life after death or a God, and I didn’t need a reward, because it is things such as these that make love conditional.
I had taken back my life and made my love unconditional. I had faith in myself and in my love. I had set myself free and with the enlightenment that followed, I became a Christ and achieved Godhood. All I have done you can do also.
In my next article I will be writing from the other side of enlightenment and will be preparing you for your enlightenment. My hopes and prayers are with you.